For Musicians' Eyes Only. Musician Thread Yay!
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Deltaflyer
- Commodore
- Posts: 543
- Joined: Tue Sep 09, 2008 1:08 am
- Location: Liverpool, England
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I actually write lyrics, and did for a band for some time.
I like your tableture; its simple but solid. As has been stated: with a 2nd part to round out your chords, (cello, base guitar would work, etc)
My problem is the word choice; you've mixed diction, present and past tense, and sophistication level, and together the effect is discordant, imo.
Present and past tense can be good used intentionally, but coupled with the changing sophistication of the words your using it makes it seem unintentional. I don't wish to offend, but the impression it created for me was "not a first language."
I would vary either formality level (word choice) or vary your tenses, but not both. Considering your imagery, I would reword some things and keep the tense changes, as the tense changes can fit as an intentional style.
I like your tableture; its simple but solid. As has been stated: with a 2nd part to round out your chords, (cello, base guitar would work, etc)
My problem is the word choice; you've mixed diction, present and past tense, and sophistication level, and together the effect is discordant, imo.
Present and past tense can be good used intentionally, but coupled with the changing sophistication of the words your using it makes it seem unintentional. I don't wish to offend, but the impression it created for me was "not a first language."
I would vary either formality level (word choice) or vary your tenses, but not both. Considering your imagery, I would reword some things and keep the tense changes, as the tense changes can fit as an intentional style.
"Forgive my rudeness. I cannot abide useless people." -Murphy, Firefly
[b]Images removed for thoroughly violating width limit.[/b]
[b]Images removed for thoroughly violating width limit.[/b]
Ok, thx for the cc, man. Do you think you could give an example of where the tenses clash? I need to examine those places and determine whether thats on purpose or not LOL.
The first verse could definitely be worded better, if you have any suggestions they are welcome. The basic gyst of the 1st verse is that he's bored/confused at somewhat the same time and he needs something interesting.
Um. If it helps you help me, the basic rhyming pattern if you didnt notice is:
A
A
C
B
B
C
For the chorus its:
A
B
C
D
D
D
kinda weird maybe.... but it works, sounds good aesthetically. It get's kinda altered to fit the subject matter of each chorus, I could probably reword the first and second choruses so they could work better. god i'm going back and editing my post like every 15 secs lol.
Also, I haven't finished the tab yet. I have yet to write the proper chorus riff, the one in the intro is an altered version. And actually... I think It may be a 3/4 count.... I just can't make up my mind
When I get the means, I'll make a vid so you can see how the rhythm/etc works, its really unclear on the intro. Ahhh i just can't stop editing my post!
The first verse could definitely be worded better, if you have any suggestions they are welcome. The basic gyst of the 1st verse is that he's bored/confused at somewhat the same time and he needs something interesting.
Um. If it helps you help me, the basic rhyming pattern if you didnt notice is:
A
A
C
B
B
C
For the chorus its:
A
B
C
D
D
D
kinda weird maybe.... but it works, sounds good aesthetically. It get's kinda altered to fit the subject matter of each chorus, I could probably reword the first and second choruses so they could work better. god i'm going back and editing my post like every 15 secs lol.
Also, I haven't finished the tab yet. I have yet to write the proper chorus riff, the one in the intro is an altered version. And actually... I think It may be a 3/4 count.... I just can't make up my mind
When I get the means, I'll make a vid so you can see how the rhythm/etc works, its really unclear on the intro. Ahhh i just can't stop editing my post!
On mules we find two legs behind
and two we find before.
We stand behind before we find
what those behind be for.
and two we find before.
We stand behind before we find
what those behind be for.
Also... Idk, maybe it's too early to start on something new but I'm thinking of doing something with this bit of tab. Need better picking pattern though, right now the pattern is kindof meh but tell me what you think of the chords, etc.
e|--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
B|-----8--------8--------5--------5---------3--------3--------0--------0-------
G|--------0--------0--------0--------0---------0--------0--------5--------5----
D|--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A|--7--------7--------5--------5---------3--------3--------0--------0----------
E|--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Any suggestions?
e|--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
B|-----8--------8--------5--------5---------3--------3--------0--------0-------
G|--------0--------0--------0--------0---------0--------0--------5--------5----
D|--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A|--7--------7--------5--------5---------3--------3--------0--------0----------
E|--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Any suggestions?
On mules we find two legs behind
and two we find before.
We stand behind before we find
what those behind be for.
and two we find before.
We stand behind before we find
what those behind be for.